


Fall Away, Fall Apart.

by thaniveeverbean



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Child Abuse, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, High School, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Abuse, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but its kind of whats happening, i dont want to misdiagnose this, kind of, sorry pals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-13 02:07:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7134266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thaniveeverbean/pseuds/thaniveeverbean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler Joseph is riddled with mental disorders and im projecting my problems into a multichapter highschool AU. whats new?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is the start.

**Author's Note:**

> written on my phone. Also before anyone attacks me and says i shouldnt be writing about things i dont know. I have been formally diagnosed with most of the stuff i write about. Ive had some people message me on Tumblr about it.

Tyler was 14 the first time it happens, a voice in his head taunting him. He's at school sitting in the bathroom avoiding the other boys in his class that like to call him names in the lunchroom. His knees are pressed tight against his chest and his breathing is silent. Its so quiet. Its unexpected since hes never heard it before.  
'You deserve this.' a deep voice hisses from what feels like inches from his left ear. He startles, his foot slipping off the seat. He knows this voice wasn't real. But the sound rings in his ears all day.

He makes it all the way home before freaking out and googling everything he possibly can on hearing voices that sound real. He keeps getting results that teeter on the line of early-onset schizophrenia which scares him shitless so he closes all tabs and pretends that nothing weird is going on. He doesnt get to sleep that night.

Nothing unusual happens again until 3 days later on a thursday. He wakes up at his usual time and gets ready, he avoids looking in the mirror because everytime he glances into a reflective surface he eyes appear red and hes so scared and confused. The voices follow him all day, making judgments and chastising everything he does. He feels unnerved and disconnected by lunch where he finds himself in the lunchroom for the first time in a couple weeks. He sits at a table toward the back and spaces off. On one hand he wants to scream at the top of his lungs that he's suffering and that everyone should know. He feels like he is entitled to their sympathy. To something. The other, smarter, side of him feels the need to bottle this up and never whisper a word of the shadows that snake in and out of his peripheral vision. He settles for staring at the relitivly flat surface of the heavily vandalized wood table top. 

"Can I sit here?" a boy with messy brown hair says, already setting a tray down on the table. Tyler flinches and the kid notices. 

"I probably wouldnt" Tyler delayedly responds too late as the other kid has already sat down and taken off a jacket. The kid hesitates, but shrugs.

"Why not?" he asks while taking a bite of pizza. Tyler subconsciously straightens his back and tries to seem unfazed.

"The other kids dont really like me much and I'm assuming you are new, otherwise you would know that. I dont want your first impression of this town to be me and what being around me entails." Tyler explains quietly

"What will it entail?" he asks and Tylers face flushes, hes embarrassed to admit hes not well liked.

"It means spending more lunches in the bathroom then out here. No ones gonna wanna partner up with you for projects. You're gonna get shoved around and called names..." Tyler trails off and he shouldn't have came in here. Hes gonna ruin this kids life.

"Why didn't you eat in the bathrooms today?" He asks and it sounds so genuine and innocent that tyler has already answered truthfully before he even fully registered the question.

"I dont trust myself to be alone right now." this kid stops eating and looks at Tyler. Tyler cant believe he just told this kid that he knows nothing about, that he is crazy. Tylers wide eyes look down at the table and he picks at the chipping wood.

"I'm Josh." is all he says after a moment of intense silence, even though theres actually a loud chatter of indistinguishable voices surrounding Tyler, making him feel small and insignificant. 

"Im Tyler." 

"Its nice to meet you."

"okay." then Tylers walking through the hallways and he doesn't remember getting up or leaving but here he is and he doesn't know how long he's been walking so he checks his phone and its only been about 3 minutes since he probably left so he walks back and sees Josh sitting where he was before, so he sits across from him again.

"You're back." Josh says with a smile.

"Wh-where did I go?" Tyler is afraid to ask him, he should know where hes going and what hes doing.

"Im not sure, your eyes kinda blanked out and you said in like a deeper voice 'Tyler needs to go now' and left, but i knew youd be back. and here you are!" Josh says all of this like its a normal thursday. Tylers face is pale and his mouth is open a notch. His voices. The voices. 

"I-Im so so sorry that you had-had to - had to like see-" Josh cuts him off. Tyler is so ashamed and flustered.

"Its fine, Ive had weird friends before, I like them better. Im weird too. Its fine. Youre fine." 

"Yeah, yeah sorry." Tylers not sure what hes sorry about but he feels like its the right thing to say. 

"Its cool." Josh says and his eyes are soft. The only thing Tyler thinks is that this man is gonna get hurt. 

"For real though, I would consider making friends with people who are probably not me." Tyler says, he can not believe he did that, he doesn't know why he did that, why is Josh even still here, he should have left.

"Nah... I like you." Josh says sincerely and Tyler, as much as he really shouldn't be, is blushing. "so tell me about yourself. Whats your favorite color?"

"I- I ,um, my favorite color is red." Tyler responds slowly 

"why?" 

"th-theres not really a reason." Tyler breaks eye contact and looks down at the table hoping he wasn't flushed or pale.

"Okay..." Josh says slowly, finishing off the last of his food. The bell rings before they have a chance to continue and Tylers out the door before Josh can say goodbye. 

Tyler spends the rest of his school day trying to act like there isnt a voice telling him to shove his pencil straight into his jugular. At one point its all he can hear so he settles for tapping the tip of his pencil against his neck gently, over and over until he catches someone looking at him like hes crazy so instead he doodles the body of a man with no face and his throat slashed, deep black oozing out onto the page. He crumples up and throws it away when the bell rings. As he's leaving the school he sees Josh talking animatedly to some popular kids and though he feels a quick pang in his chest, hes glad josh realized how weird and fucked up he is. Hes glad hes making friends. 

When Tyler gets home he goes into his room and lays face down on the bed, he only rolls over when he starts seeing white dots behind his eyelids from a lack of oxygen. Hes dozing off when his phone pings from inside his pocket which hes never actually heard before. He takes it out and sees a friend request on facebook from Josh. 

'what the hell?' Tyler thinks as he browses through Joshs page. Josh was clearly done with him. He probably just sent a request to everyone he met.He accepts Joshs request and closes his eyes. Its been a long day.


	2. A Stone Heart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler has a panic attack and sees a therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a longer chapter! heavy tones of self harm and mental illness in this one. also sorry if it doesnt make a ton of sense its based quite heavily off of my own life and its all pretty...fuzzy i guess. also the spacing is fucked up cause i wrote this on my phone. ill fix it probably

When Tyler wakes up the next day, he feels spacey. He hadnt even realized he was asleep.

Tyler gets up and checks his phone for the time. 6:23. its early. He walks to the bathroom, his mind is quiet and it makes him uneasy. He turns on the shower. When he gets under the water all he can think about is how he's too young to be losing his mind. He thinks about how he was almost totally willing to shove a pencil into his throat so hard that its would come out the other side. He lets himself cry, hes only 14 after all and hes clearly got problems. When he gets out of the shower he feels heavy. He doesnt feel lighter like he thought he would. His heart still hurts. His head still hurts. 

At school he doesnt see Josh until a bit before lunch which is okay. He already assumed Josh had moved on. As Tyler attempted to get to his usual restroom (he doesnt think he could handle seeing josh across the lunchroom laughing with the popular kids) he thinks he hears footsteps behind him. He keeps glancing behind him to try and catch whoever is following him. Hes looking behind him when he crashes into the chest of an other boy. Of course it Josh. Tyler lets out a shaky sigh and keeps his eyes on Joshs converse. 

"are you okay,Tyler?" Josh asks, hugging tyler to his chest when tyler starts to shake and his eyes get glassy.

"I hear them coming down the hall." Tyler mumbles into Joshs chest. 

"who?"

"I-I dont know, I dont think anyones actually there. I think im imagining it. I dont know." Tyler rips himself away from josh and hurries to the restroom and by the time Josh is pushing open the heavy wooden door of the bathroom, Tyler has already locked himself into a stall and has his knees to his bony chest.

"Tyler? Do you want me to call your mom or something?" Josh asks from outside tylers stall

"Ye-y-yes please im going to have a panic attack josh and im probably going to do a lot of weird stuff, man." 

"Do you have a phone? I can call your parents and they can come get you. so you can rest...Tyler?"

a phone slides out from under the stall and josh picks it up. Its not locked or anything so josh scrolls through the (very few) contacts until he lands on one listed as 'Mother'. As Josh is dialing tyler starts banging his fists against his head and hes hissing "shut up." over and over.

Tylers mom picks up after half of a dial tone. 

"Hello, Tyler?" Josh cant help but feel like she might be the most classic mom to ever mom. 

"no, this is his friend, Josh, we are in the bathroom at school and he is having a really bad panic attack." Joshs voice doesnt waiver once. 

"oh my god, okay, is he okay? Im on my way to the school. can you stay with him until i get there, this has never happened before." 

"I will try and calm him and bring him up to the front office."

she hangs up with out a goodbye. Josh pockets tylers phone and slides under the stall door and sees tylers face is bruised and slightly swollen from the hitting and theres deep red scratch marks up and down his thin arms. Josh pulls him off the toilet and onto the ground he puts tyler in between his legs and hugs tylers shaking body to his chest making shushing noises and hopes its working. He rocks back and forth and keeps telling tyler its okay, to breathe. It takes 11 minutes but Tyler calms down enough to walk to the front office. Tylers glad its lunch time because he looks like a mess but the halls are empty. No one but josh to witness tylers magnificent meltdown. As they walk down the hall, joshs hand on his back, tylers looking at his arms and stops dead in his tracks when a drop of blood falls to the white linoleum. Josh looks too and when he sees he thinks to himself that red isnt a very good color at all, says sorry and hugs Tyler again. Tyler can't make his feet move. He's bleeding. His arms are /bleeding/. Josh starts to move Tyler and hes far too tired to protest. When they get to the office tylers mom is already there pacing.

"oh Tyler, sweety. are you okay?" she asks, grabbing Tylers hands and extending his arms to survey the damage he'd done. 

"yeah mom im fine, todays just been rough," Tyler turns to josh "thanks so much." 

"youre welcome, stay safe,tyler." josh says handing him back his phone and walking out of the office. 

That night,Tyler, despite being exaughsted cant get to bed. He keeps hearing footsteps and creaking walls. He sees shadows moving around and phantom whispers that tell him what a waste he is. He believes them. at 1:37 He gets out of bed quietly as possible careful to not wake his brother and goes into the hall way. The floor creaks under him as he walks down the hall and makes his way to the kitchen. He grabs a glass from the cupboard and goes to the sink, he looks up at the window infront of the sink all he sees is his reflection, he stares until his face looks like someone elses and his eyes look fake and he feels like hes dreaming. His face doesnt look real and he doesnt feel real. He blinks and jerks his head down, breaking eyecontact with his own reflection. He fills his glass with water, drinks it and heads back to his room. His alarm clock says its 3:13. Tyler pretends this doesnt bother him.

In the morning Tylers mom approaches him with the idea of visiting a psychiatrist, tyler agrees because hes scared. She makes an appointment for Monday. He has the entire weekend to recover from his panic attack. Hes not even sure thats what it was, hes only ever heard of them once before. 

When Monday comes around, tylers mom lets him stay home since his appointment is at 3:00, which causes josh to message him through facebook just about a hundred times. Tyler tells him that his mom is just nervous for him. He doesnt want anyone to know hes seeing a goddamn therapist. Not even Josh. When the appointment rolls around he's too nervous to eat before they leave so his mom promises him Taco Bell on the way home and they're off. When they get there, the waiting room is empty except a girl behind the counter where his mom goes to sign some papers while he sits on a plush blue chair. He zones out and blinks roughly when he hears his name being called. His feet take him into a room and he sits on a red couch. the color reminds him too much of blood to be comfortable.

"Tyler." an older woman says getting his attention

"yes, ma'am?" Tyler doesn't really know how to act in this situation so he goes for respectful

"Does this happen often?" 

"Does what happen often?"

"the spacing out?"

"Oh, um... i guess. Its been happening more recently."

"okay, and your mother told me the reason youve come in is that you had a pretty bad panic attack at school Friday." 

"yup."

"Do you know what triggered it?"

"um... no not really..." 

"okay, is there anything in particular you want to talk to me about?"

"i think i made a new friend the other day, he was there during my panic attack." 

"mhm, do you find him supportive?"

"well, i suppose so ma'am i dont really know him all that well yet." 

"true, but did you feel like he helped you during your attack?"

"oh, yes he was extremely helpful, he called my mom and held me until i could breathe again." Tyler blushes

"If you dont mind me asking, Have you self harmed before, Tyler?" Hes thrown off by the complete change in topics and his face pales a little.

"I... um... i dont know? I dont think so?" Tyler lies, he knows damn well that snapping a rubber band incessantly against his thin wrist until it bruises and scabs up is self harm. He knows that punching himself so hard it leaves large deep purple marks is self harm. He knows that pulling his hair and digging his nails into his skin until it bleeds is self harm. He knows. 

"Thats okay. A lot of people will do things that count as self harm with out really thinking about it, for instance scratching your arms or hitting yourself. Those are both considered self harm, Tyler." 

"oh." Tyler whispers picking at a scab on his arm from the scratches Friday.

"Thats all we have time for today, Tyler. I will see you next Monday." 

"How- how is it over already?" Tyler should have an hour with her, its only been like 30 minutes if even.

"Do you not remember the beginning of this session?"

"no." is all Tyler can really say since he has no recollection of an entire half hour. 

"hmm okay, can i ask you a question, Tyler?"

"i..i suppose."

"Whos blurryface?" 

Tyler pales and feels queasy.

"Im not sure ma'am."

"okay. thats enough for now. I will talk to your mom for a little bit, and talk about what medications you will be going on, if you want to wait in the lobby." They both stand up and walk towards the waiting room. Tyler stops walking when he sees Josh sitting in the room talking to a lady who is probably his mom. He cant go out there. 

"Is there a problem, Tyler?" 

"Thats the guy."

"What guy?"

"The new friend, the one who helped during my attack, he cant know im here, he will think im crazy!" His breathing picks up 

"Tyler, he also comes here, if that makes you crazy then he is too."

Tyler hadnt thought about that. So after a second he walks through the door and sits in a chair far away from Josh and slides down it hoping he doesnt see him and waits for his mom to come out of the room.

While hes waiting he hears his phone ping. its a message from Josh.

SPOOKYJIM: u coulda just said so

Tyler Joseph: said what?

SPOOKYJIM: tht u were seeing a therapist

Tyler Joseph: so you would think I was crazy? I didnt want you to think I was crazier than I am, Ive known you less then a week and already broke down in front of you. Thats crazy. 

SPOOKYJIM: so? im here too. so im crazy as well. i dont care that u r different i like it. i still wanna b ur fren. 

Tyler Joseph: I just dont get why.

SPOOKYJIM: y wat?

Tyler Joseph: why u wanna be my friend.

SPOOKYJIM: do u think i should dye my hair?

Tyler Joseph: to what color?

SPOOKYJIM: I waz thinkn red 

Tyler Joseph: that would b sick 

SPOOKYJIM: thats why.

Tyler Joseph: why what?

SPOOKYJIM: i wanna be ur fren cause u think thatd b sick no one else would, but u do! 

Tyler Joseph: oh

SPOOKYJIM: ye

SPOOKYJIM: u don hav 2 answer but are u seeing her because of what hapen friday???? 

Tyler Joseph: That and some other stuff. 

SPOOKYJIM: lik wat?

Tyler debates whether or not he should answer, because on one hand, if he tells him about is self harm and suicidal tendencies, then he might finally leave him alone and be rightfully repulsed by him. But Tyler is too scared to admit that he doesnt want to be alone again, especially right now with all this shit thats happening. He wants to be honest but not about this, not yet.

Tyler Joseph: u must be a level 10 fren to unlock this tragic back story, srry. 

SPOOKYJIM: fair enough, i suppose i wouldnt tell u y i was here yet either, i mean you havent even takin me out 2 dinner yet ;^) 

Tyler Joseph: lol i have 0 monies 

SPOOKYJIM: same. i guess i will have to take you out to a cute cliche park where we can swing on swings and hol hans Tyler blushes and slides impossibly further down in his seat. His mom comes out of the room before he gets a chance to reply looking slightly distressed and upset. He stands up and walks out the door with her, avoiding looking toward where Josh had been seated. When they get into the car his mom doesnt start driving so Tyler sits quietly for a second. "Mom?" "Just-just give me a second." his mom says putting both hands securely on the steering wheel. "She said a lot in there." "okay? was- was it bad stuff?" Tyler asks tentivly "I mean not necessarily, she said that she would recommend you go on like 500 medicines and she explained some possible side effects of both the medications and the... the issues you're having." "Okay so whats happening?" "Well first we are going to taco bell like i promised then we are gonna go to the pharmacy and pick up these prescriptions for you and i hate to say this Tyler but I'm going through your closet." "what! why?" Tylers face scrunches up in confusion "I'm taking away clothes with sleeves." His mom starts to drive towards the taco bell. Tylers face flares up, he's taken aback. "mom, i dont have a problem with like /that/." his voice waivers, he can not believe this is all happening. "Tyler she said you were having issues with self harm." "not like that, it was during a panic attack." Tyler can not part with his extensive collection of hoodies, he can't. "mom, please, ill show you my arms every morning or something please." "Okay, okay, but Tyler please if you even are just thinking about it, promise me you'll come get me?" His moms eyes are misty "yes, of course, i love you so much mom, okay?" Tyler lies smoothly "okay." She pulls into the taco bell parking lot and the two get out. Tyler ends up on four medications that he knows nothing about. He researches the words on the bottles and figures out hes on mix of mood stabilizers, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication and an antipsychotic which he thinks its a bit much for just having a panic attack and being a little spacey. But when he voices this to his mom, she bursts out into tears and attempts to tell him that its just to be safe through her sobs, he goes back to his and zacks room feeling like its his fault his mom is so upset. It eats away at him. 'You're doing this, you're hurting your family' the voice says, Tyler doesn't even jump when he hears the voice. He does jump when his phone pings in his pocket, he opens the messagenger. SPOOKYJIM: wil u b at skool tom.? Tyler Joseph: I believe I will, yes. SPOOKYJIM: i made frens @ skool i wanna introduce u all. u mite like them. Tyler doesn't know if Josh is aware that Tylers been at this school his entire life and never made a friend. Tyler Joseph: I dont make friends very easily, Josh. SPOOKYJIM: no! theyre cool, its the punk crowd tho, soooo if ur okay with like peircings colored hair and the gays u should b fine. Tyler doesn't mind any of those things. Tyler Joseph: Okay, why not. SPOOKYJIM: sick, see u tom. brah. Tyler goes to bed feeling okay. When he wakes up though, he wishes he was dead. He can't believe he has to meet new people, and his mom is on his ass the second he walks in the kitchen. The moment he entered the kitchen his mom loudly asked, in front of all his family, if he cut and to show her his arms. He was misty eyed by the time she was done running her fingertips over every inch of skin on his arms. It made him feel like a child. She then handed him his meds and told him to take them. When he's done he goes back up to his room and cries while putting on his regular black skinny jeans, a red flannel, his green coat and he does breathing exercises while lacing up his boots. On his walk to school he starts feeling like he's fading, his minds too numb to really do anythin about it, especially since he's pretty sure he's not actually fading. When he sits down in his first block he feels like he had just sat down when the release bell rings, making him jump. He thought his meds would make him feel less spacey but god his brain feels like fucking soup. He literally feels like he's not really here. Like he's a ghost. When he gets to lunch he starts to think he is dreaming or invisible or something no one has even looked him in the eye, he can't even make himself care though. He sits at his usually empty table staring down at the gross wood. He feels like he's forgetting something but he can't remember for the life of him. He remembers when Josh plops down into the seat across from him followed by what feels like a billion people. "hey, everyone this is Tyler, he's my best fren." Josh states making a gesture towards the hunching boy. "um, hi." Tyler quietly replies. Its answered with a variety of replies. "Im Brendan, this is Dallon, Pete, Patrick, Mark, Gerard, and Mikey this isn't even all of us." He says pointing to the person who corresponds with each name. Immediately they burst into different conversations. Tyler sits with his eyes on the table, he doesn't wanna bother anyone. His phone pings four times in rapid succession. He pulls it out and sees one facebook message and three kik notifications. SPOOKYJIM: are you okay? you seem out of it? Tyler Joseph: yeah I'm on like a billion new medications and I'm still getting used to them i guess. whats with the proper spelling? SPOOKYJIM: serious things need serious spelling. Tyler looks up at him and smiles as an answer. He opens his kik notifications to see hes been added to a group chat with all these new people and hes assuming the others. His phone vibrates everytime someone adds something to the chat beebo is typing... SPOOKYJIM is typing... beebo: everyone welcome our knew child Tyler SPOOKYJIM: brah crybb is typing... peter is typing... gerald is typing... mike wazowski is typing... trick is typing... frack is typing... daldo is typing... beebo is typing... crybb: hello my child peter: ill pray 4 u gerald: sah dude? mike wazowski: wazzz good! trick: pal frack: hey daldo: hi beebo: we are youre family now Tyler Joseph is typing... Tyler Joseph: do i have to change my name to a meme now? beebo is typing... SPOOKYJIM is typing... crybb is typing... frack is typing... mike wazowski is typing... trick is typing... peter is typing... daldo is typing... gerald is typing... beebo: yes SPOOKYJIM: yes crybb: Yes frack: yes mike wazowski: indeed trick: yupper peter: yes daldo: yup gerald: ye Tyler looks up from his phone "I cant think of anything." He says looking around the table with a smile on his face Brendon reaches across the table and grabs his phone. He taps away for a little bit and hands it back. Tyler bursts out laughing. "What the fuck!" Tyler exclaims clutching his side as others start to join him as they see the update Tyler Joseph changed his name to cumslut3000 "You dont even know if i like cum, yall need jesus!" Tyler says through rough cackles that burns his raw throat. He likes these people. He goes through the rest of his day in a comfortable daze. He finds out that he has these new friends in many of his classes, and wastes his time chatting with them and even though he can't quite remember any of the conversations at the end of the day, he doesn't care, he's content. That night he lays in his bed with a small smile on his face. He falls asleep with an uneasy feeling in his gut. Later that night, he jolts awake. He looks around, he's in the bathroom. He's confused and scared and he feels like hes gonna vomit. He looks down at himself and sees he's holding a large kitchen knife, he doesnt know how he got here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos appreciated!! find me on tumblr with same user name. You can mssg me with prompts and stuff if u want


	3. Scared of the Dark.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More struggling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very Very Very detailed self harm in this chapter. Like im literally talking exactly how it happens. be safe dont read if you think you could be triggered. even people who arent easily triggered be careful. Its a short update sorry.

Everything okay for awhile. Tyler gets used to the routine of things. Wake up, check arms, medication, go to school, forget what happiness felt like, numb. Tyler himself does not notice the exponential decay of his mental health and will to live. Josh does though. He knows exactly what the empty eyes and absent smiles mean. He knows why Tyler keeps a rubber band on his left wrist. Tyler hasn't seen Josh in a t-shirt. Tyler isn't scared anymore. He used to be terrified. He hated not knowing whats next for him, for his future. Now he doesn't really feel anything. The meds mostly fog him up. Makes it really hard to concentrate during school, not that he was doing that before the pill medley. Josh is scared. Scared for Tyler. He cant really argue with Tyler about anything cause he just pulls the "my meds...." card. Josh has been on some heavy meds before, he knows they can fuck you up and Tyler's on a bunch of them. Sometimes he's impressed that Tyler can even leave the house. It takes Tyler a while to realize it. It hits him all at once. He is most definitely scared. He doesnt want want to be this numb anymore. So he caves. 

Tylers shoulders are shaking. He doesnt really know what hes doing. Hes cold and tired and /scared/. he just wants to feel something or maybe he wants to feel numb, hes not really sure anymore cause sometimes hes feeling too much and other times it feels like no matter what he cant make himself care about anything. nowadays it seems like hes just floating through his life. a ghost of what hes become. silent and still. He had heard about this before. had heard about people who were simply trying to make the voices stop. he had seen the posters on the wall outside of the guidance counclers room that stated 'to write love on her arms'. he had thought that when he inevitably turned to this that a small part of him would protest but his entire being is screaming for relief. so when he takes nail clippers and begins to break apart a simple dollar store razor, his hands are steady and his breathing is even. despite his heavy heartbeat. when he is done he is holding four individual razor blades. he tosses the leftover plastic into the garbage bin along with one of the metal blades that got bent in the disassembling process. he takes the three remaining metal bits and a roll of toilet paper and goes to his room. he closes the thick black curtains. he doesnt want Zack to see this so he locks his door and walks slowly toward the middle of the room. he sinks down to the floor and extends his legs out infront of him. he slides the sweatpants hes wearing down to his knee and pushes his boxers up toward his hips and he takes a silver blade, making sure the sharp side is down. he places it against his upper thigh. he applies a thick pressure and yanks it across quickly, not giving himself time to hesitate. it doesnt start bleeding right away and it doesnt hurt yet. it doesnt feel worth it until little beads of dark crimson well up in the thick cut. then he curses himself on why he hasnt been doing this for longer. for his first cut its quite deep, but it doesnt stop him from adding more and more and more thick, thin, deep, shallow cuts to his thigh. he loses count after 15 and it starts to sting, he stops after blood starts dripping onto the wood flooring of his bedroom. he grabs some toilet paper and wipes up the blood on the floor and his thigh when its clean he grabs more toilet paper and applies pressure to the cuts for a solid 10 minutes. while he waits for the bleeding to stop he stares at the white wall infront of him silently. he feels weightless and fuzzy. His leg twitches slightly, his knee shaking. when the bleeding slows he pushes his boxers back down, glad to see that they covered a lot of the cuts up and pulls his sweatpants back around his hips. he flushes the toilet paper and puts the razors into a small metal tin that once held mints and puts it in his top nightstand drawer. When all is said and done he places a cool, wet washrag over his eyes for a few minutes to get rid of the splotches of red from crying. then he goes and joins his family in the living room like nothing had just happened. he smiles and laughs at all the right times, even though at times he has to stop laughing or it will turn into crying. when his parents tell him there going to head up to bed he couldnt be more glad. he smiles up at them and wishes them a peaceful sleep. he kisses them both on the cheek and despite feeling his mom's warm cheek against his chapped lips he feels miles away. he feels so far away. he doesnt know if it's because of the way he feels usually or because of the razors. his siblings head to bed one by one. only after everyones gone, he heads to his room. he doesn't turn the light on as he goes in or he would wake zack up. he doesn't want to be bothered right now. He suddenly feels regret. He will always have these scars. The wounds weren't exactly shallow. Then he's panicking. what if someone sees them. what if/Josh/ sees them. He feels sick like he may actually vomit from the sudden stress of inevitable confrontation. What will he do if someone does see. He gets into his bed and pulls the dark comforter all the way over his head and pretends he doesn't exist.

When Tyler wakes up the next morning at 7:02am he doesn't remember falling asleep. He walks to the bathroom in his pajamas and hopes his hair doesn't look too greasy and unkempt. He doesn't have the energy to do much. He inspects his thigh. it's puffy, red, and irritated. Some of the deeper ones are still bleeding. One looks like it might need stitches which makes him nervous and woozy. The regret sinks deeper and chills his heart. If he had to describe how he felt it'd be internal winter. His mind and body felt icy and he was always shaking a little. As if the cold was always around him, making him shiver. He gets dressed in black skinny jeans and a plain black t-shirt. He almost purposely makes a show of his clean arms as if the cuts on his thigh don't matter if his arms are clean. He takes his meds. He says goodbye to his family. He puts on regular converse and puts his headphones in then he leaves, making his way to school, just like normal.


End file.
